Things Every American Would Do with a Billion Dollars

Someone became a Powerball billionaire yesterday.  And all we know about that person is it wasn’t you.  But if you ever DID win, we’re sure you’d blow it on today’s list of Things Every American Would Do with a Billion Dollars.

  • Buy McDonald’s and make the McRib permanent.
  • Pay scientists to invent an invisibility cloak to make it easier to steal our kids’ Halloween candy.
  • Buy every ticket for an NFL game so there’s no line for the beer.
  • Build a toilet on top of a six-mile pedestal so we can finally use the bathroom in peace.
  • Bulldoze every pickleball court so we no longer have to listen to people claim it’s a real sport.
  • Move to a private island and walk around naked without anyone judging us . . . the way they do at the mall.