Things You Never Want to Hear Over an Airplane Intercom

Someone’s hacking airplane P.A. systems and treating passengers to a non-stop medley of moans and grunts.  As terrible as that may sound, it could be much worse.  Especially if you hear anything from today’s list of Things You Never Want to Hear Over an Airplane Intercom.

  • I need the person in 32B to return his pants to the upright and locked position.
  • Hello, this is your pilot:  Harrison Ford.
  • If you look to your right, you’ll see the Grand Canyon.  If you look to your left, you’ll see a wing on fire.
  • If anyone finds a detonator, can they return it to the passenger chanting “Death to America”?
  • We’re ready to begin our descent into Newark.
  • This flight does not offer Wi-Fi.  But it DOES offer free slide whistles.
  • We won’t have the use of the lavatory for the duration of the flight, so please hold on to your coffee cups.
  • If there’s a doctor on board, can they please come to the front of the plane?  Same goes for a pilot.
  • Welcome aboard Spirit!