Signs You’re Not Having Enough Sex

A new poll finds that people are having more sex now than a decade ago.  Unfortunately, you’re not one of them if you can relate to anything on today’s list of the Signs You’re Not Having Enough Sex.

  • When you unzip your fly, stale air hisses out like King Tut’s tomb.
  • The government sent a stimulus check made out to your junk
  • You use your copy of “The Joy of Sex” as a flower press.
  • The only time your bed squeaks is when a mouse is under it.
  • The eggplant emoji doesn’t remind you of anything.
  • The closest you’ve been to a three-way is that bulb in your desk lamp.
  • Your slogan is “When the bed’s a-rockin’, DO come a-knockin’.  Because I’m having a restless night’s sleep and can use a comforting presence.”