Top Reasons You Won’t Be Watching the Olympics

The opening ceremony for the Tokyo Olympics is tonight.  Find out why you couldn’t care less with this list of The Top Reasons You Won’t Be Watching the Olympics.

  • If you want to see a bunch of people trading viruses in an enclosed space, there’s already “Jersey Shore”.

  • You get more of a contact high watching The X Games.

  • You prefer the REAL wrestling with folding chairs and thumb tacks.

  • You’re building your own Jeff Bezos penis rocket.

  • You broke your back trying to have sex on one of those cardboard beds in the Olympic Village.

  • You can’t concentrate on anything else until Britney is free.

  • You don’t enjoy boxing that doesn’t involve blond, loudmouthed YouTube influencers.

  • You finally got an Ambien prescription for your insomnia, so you never need to watch fencing again.

  • You remember when skateboarding was a thing kids did to AVOID sports.