Important Things to Consider Before Buying a House

The housing market in much of the U.S. is on fire.  So if you’re looking to jump in, first take a second to check out this list of The Most Important Things to Consider Before Buying a House.


  • Was it the site of something terrible, like a marriage?
  • Does it have popcorn ceilings for millennial white women to bemoan?
  • Are the ghosts the kind that like to have sex, or the ones that want to kill you?
  • Can I get it fixed up before lumber goes up another 12,000%?
  • Should I only consider a house with a “man cave” if my husband acts like a Neanderthal?
  • Does it have a big backyard where my kids can play when I want to drink alone?
  • Is the fireplace mantle big enough to hold a ton of participation trophies? 
  • Has anyone ever either died or made lame TikTok videos there?
  • Can you embezzle enough from your work to pay for it in cash?
  • Are the ceilings high enough to accommodate a stripper pole?
  • Do I really hate living in an alley behind TJ Maxx that much?