Things Your Mother Was Too Polite to Say

Mother’s Day is Sunday, so it’s a great time to check out this list of things your Mom have thought, but was too polite to say.


  • When all the other moms brag about their kids, I pretend I’m taking a call.
  • Oh that’s a nice top, honey . . . for a PROSTITUTE!
  • Thanks for the Sephora gift card, but know what I could really use from you?  RENT!
  • Your girlfriend’s nice and all, but I have a feeling she’d give me ugly grandkids.
  • Yes, it’s important that you tried, but it’s about time you started bringing home some trophies.
  • I don’t want any candles or homemade crap.  Are you that incapable of buying a decent gift?  Also, can you help me out of this chair?
  • The only reason I put you in timeout is so I can drink without you knowing.
  • Your elementary school art was never worthy of the refrigerator.
  • FYI, you’ve got at least three friends I could totally nail.
  • I’d like to encourage you to try harder in school . . . but let’s face it, you have limited mental capacity.
  • Let me tell you where you could stick both of your effin’ pronouns.
  • An unwanted pregnancy can ruin your life.  Just look at your Father and Me