Top Things “The Oscars” Can Do to Be More Entertaining

“The Oscars” will air on ABC on Sunday.  But for many people, that sounds like a total snoozefest.  Find out how that could change with this list of The Top Things “The Oscars” Can Do to Be More Entertaining.


  • Texas Death Match between Frances McDormand and Meryl Streep.
  • Serve even more booze than the “Golden Globes”.
  • Give out an award for Most Promiscuous Set Designer.
  • Have Tom Hanks and Martin Sheen square off over the award for Most Embarrassing Son.
  • Make winners fish their Oscars from a giant claw machine.
  • Mix in categories like “Best Gratuitous Nipple.”  And “Best Gratuitous Other Nipple.”
  • The “In Memoriam” segment should include statements from each person’s ex or estranged kid. 
  • Consider doing something crazy and asking the winners to only spend 90% of their time preaching and proselytizing.
  • Drop “Academy” in “Academy Awards.”  And add “Porn.”
  • Forget music.  If someone’s acceptance speech takes too long, whip out a Taser.
  • Let everyone bring their dogs.
  • Spoiler alert:  There’s nothing that can make “The Oscars” more entertaining, because award shows are boring, stupid, and pointless.