Things You Can Buy for $1,400

Many of you will be getting a $1,400 stimulus check soon.  It’s probably best not to spend it all at once, but if you do, this list gives you some options.  Here are The Top Things You Can Buy for $1,400.


  • A banned Dr. Seuss book on eBay.
  • A new wardrobe that actually fits your new quarantine bod.
  • One college textbook, which you will later be able to sell back for $1.95.
  • 1,400 Cameos from Scott Baio. 
  • Any venti drink at Starbucks that has whipped cream added.
  • Rob Gronkowski’s Happy Hour tab.
  • Half an iPhone.
  • A tiny violin to play for everyone who’s upset that Bugs Bunny’s girlfriend’s boobs got smaller.
  • A TV big enough to see Piers Morgan’s entire head at once.
  • A roundtrip ticket from Houston to Cancun on the same flight as Ted Cruz.
  • A bag of Doritos from a hotel minibar.