Reasons You Shouldn’t Invest in the Stock Market

The stock market has had a chaotic few days.  Some say it proves that the market is a big scam.  So we’ll add “it’s a big scam” to this list of The Top Reasons You Shouldn’t Invest in the Stock Market.


  • You already spend enough time watching numbers spin wildly out-of-control on your bathroom scale.
  • If you invest all your money, you’ll have nothing to spend on comic books.
  • Everything you know about the market comes from Michael Douglas, Leonardo DiCaprio, and that movie where Jamie Lee Curtis takes off her shirt
  • Why fund rampant merciless capitalism when you can spend your hard-earned cash ordering stuff from Amazon?
  • The only “market” you’ll put money in is one that sells Haagen-Dazs.
  • You’re working on being more of a risk-taker, but first, you have to move out of your parents’ house.
  • You found out that those “portfolios” don’t contain any nudes.
  • The only thing you’ve ever been good at picking is your nose.
  • You just prepaid for gas with the change you found in your center console.
  • You can’t even figure out your 9-year-old’s math homework.
  • You did invest, but stopped because you misunderstood what the “sell high” thing meant.
  • You lose enough money being unemployable.