Tips for First-Time Skiers

Since it’s ski season, it’s a good time for you to check out this list of The Top Tips for First-Time Skiers.


  • Take a lesson.  Preferably with someone who has tons of experience with powder, like Charlie Sheen.
  • Pack warm clothing.  Unless shrinkage is your “thing.”
  • Wear a helmet.  Right, Ghost of Sonny Bono?
  • Find a hot ski instructor who’s constantly putting his hands on you, like in those R-rated ’80s comedies.
  • When choosing a parka, go with one that DOESN’T have a swastika on the back.
  • If you don’t already have blond dreads, don’t worry, you can rent some in the shop.
  • Don’t get distracted by the smoke wafting from that group of snowboarders.
  • Skiing in jeans is a perfect way to alert the world that you’re incredibly uncool and will never get laid.
  • Save your time and money and proceed to get totally wasted in the ski lodge.