The Goop Christmas Guide

The Goop holiday gift guide has been released upon an unsuspecting public. Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle brand is recommending a host of over-the-top and extravagant presents for the loved ones on your list. Here are just some of the items:

– A custom concrete self-heating bathtub from Igneous Bath – starts at $100,000
– The Goop Avocado Bed: an ethically sourced Global Organic Textile Standard-certified organic mattress: starts from $38,000
– The Loro Piana Fitness Set: two hand weights, a gym ball and a jump rope covered in cashmere – $7,700
– The Stiliyana Minkovska Custom Birthing Chair: a soft, squishy purple birthing chair that allows the expectant parent to sit, kneel, squat, rest, lean and crawl until they find peace and comfort while delivering a baby – $7,500
– A Hermès Designer Skateboard – $4,425
– Edie Parker Designer Ouija Board – $1,995
– The PlantWave: (actual description: “Let your plants compose music for you.” – $299
– Tsuchiya Kaban Watermelon Bag: literally, a leather bag, with a strap, shaped to carry one full-sized watermelon – price upon request.

If you’re looking for a Goop gift for under $100:

– A $45 water bottle
– A box of note cards: $80
– Oregon Wine-In-A-Can: $17 for a 4-pack
– The Vesper Vibrator Necklace: turns into a vibrator (* yes, exactly what you’re thinking) with one click: $79
– A towel that says “Nice and Cool” on it: $84