Reasons You Won’t Be Watching Baseball’s Opening Day

Major League Baseball opens today.  But you couldn’t care less.  Here are The Top Reasons You Won’t Be Watching Baseball’s Opening Day.


  • You’re a “Karen,” so you’d just spend the game yelling at everyone to speak English.
  • If you want to watch a game where everybody cheats, you’ll turn on C-SPAN.
  • Duh!  Not a single Texas Ranger is Chuck Norris!
  • You think the game lost its purity once it got rid of steroids.
  • If you want to look at foul balls, you can unzip your fly.
  • You’re a Baltimore Orioles fan and you just can’t put yourself through it again.
  • You have enough reasons to want to murder your mother-in-law, besides her opinions on players kneeling during the national anthem.
  • During quarantine, you’ve discovered your TRUE passion:  Icelandic cuisine.
  • Baseball is monotonous.  And you already get that with your marriage.