Major League Baseball opens today. But you couldn’t care less. Here are The Top Reasons You Won’t Be Watching Baseball’s Opening Day.
- You’re a “Karen,” so you’d just spend the game yelling at everyone to speak English.
- If you want to watch a game where everybody cheats, you’ll turn on C-SPAN.
- Duh! Not a single Texas Ranger is Chuck Norris!
- You think the game lost its purity once it got rid of steroids.
- If you want to look at foul balls, you can unzip your fly.
- You’re a Baltimore Orioles fan and you just can’t put yourself through it again.
- You have enough reasons to want to murder your mother-in-law, besides her opinions on players kneeling during the national anthem.
- During quarantine, you’ve discovered your TRUE passion: Icelandic cuisine.
- Baseball is monotonous. And you already get that with your marriage.