Tips for Having a Great Picnic

Are you planning a picnic this weekend?  If so, we can help make sure it rocks with this list of The Top Tips for Having a Great Picnic.


  • Find out ahead of time if anyone has food allergies and then mock them for being weak.
  • Carrying a $100 picnic basket from Crate & Barrel is a great way to let everyone know you’re about to call the police.
  • Before you pack the knives, wipe off the blood from last night’s murder spree.
  • Throw out anything that looks spoiled.  Or vegan.
  • Don’t waste all the hand sanitizer on killing ants.  Use your handgun.
  • Bring bug repellent . . . as well as some Karen repellent.
  • Avoid depressing topics.  Like the fact you’re having a picnic.
  • Make a wand from leftover foil and encourage your most annoying child to hold it in the air during a lightning storm.
  • Bring some honey in a jar and put it 50 feet away from your picnic so you can distract the murder hornets.
  • Don’t forget to scream, “Screw you, global warming!” after using an ungodly amount of plastic plates and utensils.
  • Bring bug repellent . . . as well as some “Karen” repellent.
  • Bring something large enough to lay on the ground like a rug, blanket, or John Travolta hairpiece.