Fascinating “Facts” About the Founding Fathers

 

  • George Washington said he couldn’t lie, but everyone who saw his Tinder profile knew better.
  • Benjamin Franklin was the inventor of the gimp mask.
  • Contrary to current belief, none of them were successful rappers.
  • They all giggled like eight-year-old boys every time someone said “John Hancock.”
  • James Madison proposed that congressional pay be tied to the price of wheat.  Now it’s determined by fossil fuel lobbyists.
  • Ironically, none of these guys ever had a particularly comfortable mattress.
  • George Washington wanted to be remembered by a giant phallic symbol.
  • Many Americans don’t care about them because they weren’t revealed as fathers on “Maury”.
  • They added the Second Amendment to the Constitution so that Americans would always have something to fight about.
  • The only thing Ben Franklin spent more time in than the library was prostitutes.
  • George Washington copied his ponytail from Steven Seagal.
  • Thomas Jefferson made the Louisiana Purchase with bitcoin.