Things We Learned from Dad

There’s a reason we honor dad on Sunday:  he gave us food, he gave us money and, best of all, he gave us advice.  And now, we share some of his infinite wisdom with today’s list of The Top Things We Learned from Dad.

  

  • When the going gets tough, the tough go to the garage and drink beer.
  • Taking a dump doesn’t mean you have to close the bathroom door.
  • Going to the store for a pack of cigarettes can take up to five years.
  • It’s acceptable to spend the only day you have off from work at the driving range.
  • Even though they’re paid professionals, football coaches have NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL THEY’RE DOING!
  • Your belly makes a great snack tray when you’re stretched out on the Barcalounger.
  • Mom was a piece of a** in high school.
  • It’s okay to wear short sleeve shirts with neckties once you hit 50.
  • That smell is the dog.  It’s ALWAYS the dog.
  • There is no reason to pay for an oil change when it only takes four-and-a-half days to do it yourself.
  • It’s always an old high school injury that kept you from playing in the NFL.
  • The best hairstyle is one that both hides and accentuates your bald spot.
  • It’s never too late to start . . . drinking.
  • Always use the right tool for the job . . . and the right curse word.
  • Hotter waitress equals higher tip, regardless of service.
  • Your mother is always right . . . until she leaves the room.
  • “Star Wars” would have been better if Princess Leia took her top off.
  • Always use birth control, unless you want to end up like him.
  • Say no to drugs.  Except beer, wine, vodka and Prozac
  • There’s no crying in baseball . . . unless you had money on the game.
  • Jeans aren’t cool unless they’re extra baggy and extremely pleated.
  • As long as you have a giant flask of cheap Bourbon, anyone can sit through a four-hour violin recital.
  • If you ever want to hear someone fart, all you have to do is pull their finger.
  • Being forced to trade in a Corvette for a minivan DEFINITELY doesn’t lead to any sort of seething resentment.
  • Offering to grill every night is a perfect way to get some time away from a nagging wife and whiny kids.
  • There’s no such thing as too much “Murder She Wrote”.
  • Never show your emotions.  Unless you’ve been drinking.
  • There’s always maintenance to do around the house, especially if your wife wants to have a serious conversation.
  • One great thing about getting married is that you never have to worry about staying in shape again.
  • You’ll only make your children weak if you tell them you love them.
  • You can achieve anything you put your mind to if you aim low.
  • A good parent accepts their child no matter what.  Unless that child pursues a career in radio.
  • The two most important things to make a marriage successful are the words, “Yes, dear.”