Tips for First-Time Home Buyers

Buying your first home can be a daunting experience.  But we think we can help make it a little easier with this list of The Top Tips for First-Time Home Buyers.


  • Make a serious assessment of how much you can afford, then move back in with your parents.
  • Make sure the house is in total disrepair so you can hire those dreamy Property Brothers to fix it up.
  • If you’re looking for a three-bedroom, two-bath . . . make sure one of the bathrooms isn’t a meth lab.
  • Make sure the house has a tank-less heater.  And NOT a pants-less neighbor.
  • Instead of comparing interest rates, invite loan officers from every local bank to compete in a Jiu-Jitsu tournament for your business.
  • Avoid a place with a chimney so you can tell your kids, “Sorry, no more Santa!”
  • Make the previous owner responsible for disinfecting the sex dungeon.
  • Three words:  location, location, location.  Because you want to be near a store that sells liquor, liquor, liquor.
  • Before buying a house, always ask if it was built over an ancient Indian burial ground.
  • Avoid a realtor who demands his commission be paid in cocaine.
  • Make sure it’s in a good school district so your kid can distance-learn from the best!
  • If you’re thinking about putting a gazing ball in your front yard . . .don’t.
  • Don’t go over your budget . . . no matter how un-American that sounds.