Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear from Your Doctor

Today is National Doctors’ Day, a day where we appreciate all that doctors do for us.  Except if your doctor utters anything like you’ll hear on this list of The Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear from Your Doctor.



  • Psst, you need a ventilator?  I got a thousand of ’em stashed in a warehouse.
  • You need to wear a mask.  No, you’re not contagious . . . just repulsive.
  • Brace yourself, I’m gonna try something I saw on “Tiger King”.
  • The bad news:  I’m out of Purell.  The good news:  I’m a good “needle licker.”
  • Because of the pandemic, I don’t have a facemask to wear.  Which is okay because this gimp mask is great!
  • We can’t tell if the mole is cancerous but just to be safe, I’ll go ahead and bite it off.
  • I’d prescribe you fentanyl, but I’ve had to watch my back ever since that whole Prince thing.
  • Well, if the Internet says it’s cancer, who am I to disagree?
  • Put on this gown . . . but with it open in the FRONT.
  • We’re out of ventilators, so you’ll have to breathe through this vape pen.
  • If you want to build up your immune system, do yourself a favor and lick every doorknob you see.
  • You can pay your bill and pick up a copy of my new mixtape at the front desk.
  • I’m live-streaming your prostate exam.