Ways to Kill Time This Weekend

Do you have to self-quarantine at home this weekend?  If so, we can help alleviate the boredom with this list of The Top Ways to Kill Time This Weekend.


  • Go on a citywide toilet paper hunt.
  • Make cardboard costumes and re-enact the way “Game of Thrones” SHOULD have ended.
  • Watch “House Hunters” and take a shot of whiskey every time a white woman freaks out over popcorn ceilings.
  • Color-code your anti-anxiety pills. 
  • Watch half of “The Irishman”.
  • Role-play that you’re an emergency room doctor by putting on a Hefty bag and wearing a bandana over your mouth.
  • Teach your dog cool tricks.  Like “Sit,” “Shake,” and “Make hand sanitizer.”
  • Count how many times Dr. Fauci flinches while Trump talks.
  • Watch some scary movies.  Or you can REALLY be terrified and let out a blood-curdling scream by looking at your 401(k) balance.
  • Take some time to really get to know your kids’ . . . names.
  • Take an online language course so you can say, “I’m bored” in a new language.
  • Gather together in the living room . . . so you can stare at your phones as a family.
  • If you’re a white guy under 40, record and upload 20 episodes of your podcast.
  • Try to do 50 crunches a day . . . Nestlé Crunches.
  • Write some naughty Mike Pence fan fiction.
  • Exercise . . . your right to day-drink.