Things on Mike Bloomberg’s To-Do List

So what’s next for Mike Bloomberg now that he’s dropped out of the presidential race?  Get some answers from this list of The Top Things on Mike Bloomberg’s To-Do List.


  • Buy some coronavirus.  Mail it to Elizabeth Warren.
  • Go back to letting the Knicks be New York City’s biggest embarrassment.
  • Get a refund on that useless book, “Buying the Democratic Presidential Nomination for Dummies”.
  • Dig through the couch cushions to pay off $500 million campaign bill.
  • Retire to become king of American Samoa.
  • Go skeet shooting with Tom Steyer.
  • Simultaneously take a nap AND make $300 million.
  • Happily recognize that as bad as things are, at least I’m not Tulsi Gabbard.
  • Spend my money on something that generates better returns than my presidential campaign:  Scratcher tickets.
  • Get ready for the onslaught of drunk guys on Saint Patrick’s Day yelling, “Hey look, a leprechaun!”
  • Get everyone who watched me in the debates to sign an NDA promising to never speak of it again.
  • Avenge my loss in California by dropping my wallet on the San Andreas Fault and triggering an 8.3 earthquake.
  • Send a tweet to Donald Trump telling him how nice it is living rent-free inside his head.