Tips for Getting Out of Jury Duty

The first thing many people say when they get called for jury duty is “How the hell can I get out of this?”  Well, we have some ideas on this list of The Top Tips for Getting Out of Jury Duty.

  • Let the courtroom know you’re an idiot by telling them you thought “Dolittle” was awesome.
  • Vow to be as just and forthright as Mitch McConnell.
  • Tell the judge you can’t focus during the trial because you’ll be too busy mentally undressing the hunky bailiff.
  • Refer to the judge as “Señor Freeballin’.”
  • Spend downtime knitting a Swastika.
  • Explain that serving on a jury would mean there’s nobody at home to care for your sex dolls.
  • Ask the judge when you get to yell, “You can’t handle the truth!”
  • Once you’re seated for jury questioning, pass around your flask of Jack Daniel’s.
  • Wear a T-shirt that says, “Team Weinstein.”
  • Ask the defense attorney if he’s “working pro BONER!”
  • When asked your occupation, say, “Training to be an ISIS fighter!”
  • Tell the judge how much her gavel looks like your crack pipe.
  • Tell the judge you can’t be impartial unless serious bribe money is involved.
  • Yell “Objection!” every time a lawyer speaks.
  • Whenever the judge asks for order, yell, “Two hamburgers and a small fry,” then run around the court slapping high-fives.
  • Just be you.