Ben Franklin “Facts”

In honor of today being Ben Franklin’s birthday, please enjoy this list of The Top Things You’d Be Surprised to Know About Benjamin Franklin.


  • He had no formal education.  The lesson here, kids:  if you want to change the world, quit school.
  • He was briefly a vegetarian, but he still wasn’t as annoying as the gluten-free Alexander Hamilton.
  • He didn’t want the eagle to be our national symbol.  He favored Baby Yoda.
  • As the founder of the first library, he’d probably be disappointed that now they’re mostly filled with homeless people surfing porn.
  • He’s known for many quotable phrases, including “Nobody out pizzas the Hut!”
  • As a child, he wrote a short story that would later become the basis of the movie “Snakes on a Plane”.
  • His son died of smallpox after his wife refused to have him inoculated because a Playboy Centerfold said it was bad.
  • He invented so many wonderful things like bifocals and the wood stove . . . but also really annoying things like backing into parking spaces.
  • When he was starting Philadelphia’s first fire department, he secretly hoped its members would one day lose their shirts and pose for steamy calendars.
  • He founded the University of Pennsylvania, so he didn’t have to bribe anyone to get his kids in.
  • If he were still in charge of the mail, he’d put a stop to those Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons.
  • He spent most of his life in Philadelphia.  Which tells me he wasn’t THAT smart.