Signs Santa Hates You

 

  • Your lawn is covered in reindeer droppings
  • He had two elves named Rocco and Vinny beat the crap out of you
  • Your stocking has a loogy in it
  • He shows up at your house on the 28th, smashed out of his mind
  • Whenever you’re around, his “Ho, ho, ho!” just drips with sarcasm
  • Plants drugs under your tree and calls the cops on you
  • You find him standing at your open refrigerator door, peeing in your crisper
  • Gives you a fake address at the SouthPole
  • Charges you a $20 per-minute “lap fee”
  • Your Christmas gift: tickets to Cats