Reasons You Haven’t Started Your Christmas Shopping

Christmas is coming and you haven’t even started your shopping.  Perhaps you can find your excuse on this list of The Top Reasons You Haven’t Started Your Christmas Shopping.

  • You spent all your money shopping on Black Friday . . . for yourself.
  • All the women you know seem more than satisfied with the dollar bills you slip in their G-strings.
  • You’re afraid that if you use wrapping paper, Greta Thunberg will show up to your house and slit your throat.
  • You don’t want to have to change the “master procrastinator” label you gave yourself on dating apps.
  • Gifts require money.  Money requires a job.  A job requires getting out of bed before 4:00 P.M.
  • You already have more than enough presents thanks to your neighborhood porch pirate run yesterday.
  • You just pulled a Lori Loughlin and paid someone $500,000 to make fake photos of you at Target.
  • You’re married to the “Peloton Wife.”  So you’re banned from shopping for anything ever again.
  • You only need to give one gift . . . and you get that by regifting whatever you get from your work secret Santa.
  • You let people buy their own gifts cuz you ain’t no Socialist!
  • The gift you plan to give everyone this year is keeping your opinions about impeachment to yourself.
  • You’re a guy.  And it’s not 11:59 on Christmas Eve.