Things You Don’t Want to Hear at a Funeral

September 28, 20199:17 am

Funerals are usually sad and solemn occasions.  But some people might not get that.  Here are The Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear at a Funeral.

  • Selfies at the open casket are $1!

  • Who knew Grandpa had so many friends?  And illegitimate Hispanic kids?

  • Can I have his silver fillings?

  • I’ll give you $20 if you touch his junk.

  • And now, at the request of the family, we will play “Nah Nah, Hey Hey, Goodbye”.

  • OK, let’s get to it.  The old bag’s not gonna bury herself!

  • He sure looks peaceful for someone who is burning in hell.

  • Can we speed things along?  We need this room for Bingo at 7.

  • Hey, I know his wife . . . so believe me, he’s now in a much happier place!

  • This formaldehyde must be an acquired taste.

  • Wow, an open casket.  That’s certainly not creepy or disturbing.

  • We were quarantined together, but they let me out to attend the service.

  • He fell into the wood chipper.  So instead of one big funeral, we thought we’d have hundreds of little ones.

  • Pssst.  Can anyone hear me through this box?  I’m NOT DEAD!