Reasons to Cancel Your Gym Membership

Some members of Equinox and SoulCycle are cancelling their memberships because the owner is hosting a fundraiser for Trump.  But there are plenty of non-political reasons to leave a gym.  Here are The Top Reasons to Cancel Your Gym Membership.

  • You already sweat enough thinking about cake.

  • Because “Fortnite” is a jealous and selfish mistress.

  • You decided to go from paying a trainer to whip you into shape . . . to paying a dominatrix to just whip you.

  • All the progress you make there just gets negated by Funyuns anyway.

  • The last time you used it was when Billy Ray Cyrus was UN-ironically popular.

  • You’re allergic to Axe Body Spray.

  • You found a finger in the lap pool.

  • They’ve got your picture hanging up, as a “Before” poster.

  • They don’t play enough mindless techno music.

  • You find it way too unnatural to hold in your pee while you shower.

  • The name of your gym is 24 Hour Fatness.