“Useful” Tips for Beating the Heat

Much of the country will experience a brutal heat wave this weekend.  Find out some ways to keep cool by checking out this list of The Top Tips for Beating the Heat.

  • Avoid dark clothing that absorbs the sun.  Sorry, ninjas.

  • Spend time somewhere chilly.  Like your marriage.

  • Help yourself to something cool and relaxing, like a milkshake.  It’s not like you can get any fatter.

  • If you have a small child, hold it in the air over your head to create shade for yourself.

  • Stay hydrated.  And when you run out of vodka, try water.

  • If you’re over 75 and have no air conditioning, just let it overtake you.  It’s time.

  • Cover your head in super-absorbent poly-fibers.  It works for Donald Trump.

  • Guard the perimeter and force them to take three-pointers.  Sorry.  That’s a tip for beating the MIAMI Heat.

  • Avoid strenuous exercise.  In other words, do what you always do.

  • Avoid doing any labor-intensive outdoor activities…Make your kids do them.

  • When in doubt, strip.