Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Therapist  

Therapists need to be highly competent and professional.  Those qualities would come into question if they said anything like what you’ll hear on this list of The Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Therapist.

  • Enough about your problems.  Let’s talk about my sexual attraction to Jacuzzi spigots.  

  • Don’t worry, it’s totally normal to want to murder people and wear their skin.

  • You have obvious intimacy issues with your wife.  Which is weird since she’s such a great lover with me!

  • That was interesting.  I’ve got to mention that to MY therapist.

  • Role play is often an effective technique.  For example, I like to pretend I’m a competent therapist.

  • Hey, just continue to jabber away.  It won’t distract me from my playing “Candy Crush” for the rest of the hour.

  • What you need is a vacation . . . to the Dominican Republic.

  • Yes, you are correct . . . I was your Uber driver last night.

  • Can you switch to another voice in your head?  This one’s hella boring!

  • Repeat what you just said into my phone.  My friend’s gotta hear that one!

  • It’s just vodka.  Want a swig?

  • Jeez, now you’re making me depressed!