Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Restaurant Server

Since today is National Waiters and Waitresses Day, it’s a good time to give you this list of The Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Restaurant Server.

  • There was a little mishap in the kitchen but, like, you’re down with the five second rule, right?

  • Based on your necks, can I assume you want to see the dessert menu?

  • We don’t have plastic straws because we’re trying to be green . . . like our hamburger patties.

  • That linguini with clam sauce looks amazing.  Do you mind if I take your leftovers home?

  • The Health Department gave us a “C” rating.  It matches the type of hepatitis our cook has.

  • If you find a ring in your lasagna could you let me know?  It was my grandmother’s.

  • FYI, the hospital is a right out of the parking lot, then about three miles east.

  • Thanks for stopping by.  We don’t get too many customers since the “outbreak.”

  • Our food tastes just like mother used to make . . . if mother worked in a high school cafeteria.

  • I added the gratuity right onto the check, because your child was such an unbearable little snot.

  • Validate your parking ticket?  Uh, we don’t have valet parking.

  • The only thing baked in this restaurant is the kitchen staff.

  • You don’t need a high chair for that kid, you need a muzzle.

  • If you need anything, I’ll be in the break room working on my screenplay.

  • Surf and turf here means you get a plate of sand and grass.

  • Can I make a recommendation?  Go eat somewhere else.