Tips for Having a Great Saint Patrick’s Day

Saint Patrick’s Day is tomorrow.  We want to help make sure you have an awesome time, so take a minute to check out this list of The Top Tips for Having a Great Saint Patrick’s Day.

  • Don’t drink.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  I tried.

  • Instead of pinching someone not wearing green, go all-in and club them with a tire iron.

  • Enjoy some green scrambled eggs . . . the kind with green food coloring, not the kind Denny’s serves, which are green from salmonella.

  • Start your day off right with a traditional Irish breakfast and pour a Guinness over your Lucky Charms.

  • Eat corned beef and cabbage, or if you’re vegetarian, single malt whiskey.

  • Wear an expendable pair of pants.  Because trust me, they’ll be missing by the end of the day.

  • Familiarize yourself with St. Patrick’s legend by Googling “snakes,” and then scrolling past all those articles about Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin.

  • Ignore your liver when you hear it shriek.  It’s just kidding around.

  • Enjoy a nice big corned beef sandwich . . . in front of a vegan.

  • Hunt for a four-leaf clover.  Sure, it won’t change a damn thing about your sad, meaningless life.  But at least it will give you something to do.

  • Hang with people with true Irish names . . . just not R. Kelly.

  • Don’t plan on remembering anything from this list.