The Top Surprises in “Captain Marvel”

The much-anticipated “Captain Marvel” opens this weekend.  Be ready for a few surprises!

  • She spends half the movie in court, convincing a judge to make DC change the name of THEIR Captain Marvel to “Shazam.”

  • Since it’s set in the 1990s, people are only partially creeped out by Michael Jackson.

  • Before going out to save the universe, Captain Marvel has to set her VCR to tape “Friends”.

  • The movie’s ending features an emotional Oprah sit-down with the victims.

  • Captain Marvel complains that she gets paid 70% of what Captain America gets for doing basically the same superhero job.

  • Captain Marvel has a one-night stand with Thanos before he gets all genocidal.

  • Since it’s set in the ’90s, she spends most of the movie settling East Coast / West Coast rap feuds.

  • In the post-credit sequence, she gets her tramp stamp lasered off.

  • Nick Fury’s secret weapon?  A Nintendo Power Glove.

  • Doctor Strange has a show on TLC about popping pimples.

  • The first thing she does when landing on Earth in the ’90s is buy a ton of Apple stock.

  • Captain Marvel’s weakness?  Keto crotch.

  • Captain Marvel ends up joining the Ghostbusters.