Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Cop


Most people try to be polite and respectful when they encounter a police officer. Most.  Be one of those people and follow my advice.  Here are a few things you should never say to an officer of the law.   

  • You’re by far my favorite member of the Village People.

  • You wouldn’t have caught me if YOU weren’t speeding, too.

  • They’re not really strict about the physical requirements at your department, are they?

  • Dude, stop comin’ at me like Ponch, when you’re obviously a total Jon.

  • Based on your car, gun, and tactical padding, I’m guessing:  micropenis?

  • Why yes, that IS a gun in my sweatpants.  But I’m ALSO happy to see you.

  • Officer, can I please borrow your baton?  My taint itches.

  • Look, I’m sorry for speeding, but unfortunately I can’t do anything about the fact that you were unpopular in high school.

  • I know you pulled me over for a rolling stop, but could you please, please give me a full body cavity search?!?

  • I was only speeding because your wife asked me to come over.

  • Judging by you, FAT Lives Matter.