Tips for Getting Out of Jury Duty

When you’re called for jury duty, your first thought is, “How do I get out of this?”  Well, we have some ideas.  Here are The Top Tips for Getting Out of Jury Duty.

  • Give your name as “Liam Neeson.”

  • Fake a hate crime against yourself on your way to court.

  •  Let the judge know how you feel about her rack.

  • Say morally questionable things like, “I believe R. Kelly,” or “Miracle Whip is better than regular Mayo.”

  • Repeatedly shriek unhinged, racially-charged rhetoric.  In other words, act presidential.

  • Explain how jury duty disrupts your daily routine of abducting children.

  • Keep insisting you have the right to remain fabulous.

  • Wear Crocs and a fanny pack.  The lawyers from both sides picking the jury will assume you’re insane.

  • Tell the judge you’ll promise to be impartial if he agrees to let you have conjugal visits with the defendant.

  • Point at the judge and scream, “No, YOU’RE out of order!”

  • Say you’ve gotten a few speeding tickets and that you’ve committed some light treason here and there.

  • Get excused for lameness by pointing at your pants and yelling, “Your honor, can I now POLL the jury?!?”

  • Bring your emotional support Sea Monkeys.