Ways to Make the Oscar Telecast Shorter


  • Same acceptance speech for every winner: “Thanks, suckers!”

  • New rule: only one nominee per category

  • Award extra Oscars for shortest acceptance speeches!

  • Don’t hire a host… oh, never mind

  • 100 bucks to winners who volunteer not to give a speech

  • Stuff Oscars into t-shirt cannons, fire them at winners

  • Save that “Best Song” crap for the Grammys, amirite?

  • At the 2-hour mark, set off the sprinklers