Tips for Coping with the Frigid Winter Weather

Because of the Polar Vortex, 75% of the U.S. population will suffer below-freezing temperatures this week.  So it’s the perfect time for this list of The Top Tips for Coping with the Frigid Winter Weather.

  • Take advantage of everyone wearing ski masks to rob a bank.

  • If you must venture outside, make sure your will is in order.

  • Catch up on NBC shows with “Chicago” in the title.  Trust me, that will fill the next six months.

  • If you feel your legs going numb, just pee.

  • Keep the phone pointed at Grandma to catch any potential hilarious slip-and-falls.

  • Wrap yourself in the warming comfort of John Travolta’s discarded toupee.

  • Layer up in blankets and watch a good movie on Netflix.  Or “Bird Box”.

  • Make a snow angel by lying in the middle of a snow-covered road until you get hit by a car, die, and ascend into heaven.

  • Keep warm by going to the exercise equipment in your basement . . . and putting on some of the sweaters and sweatshirts you have draped over it.

  • Avoid frostbite on your toes by doing a Joe Biden impression and putting your foot in your mouth.

  • Buy a space heater . . . for your pants!

  • Avoid things that are cold, like Johnny Depp’s career.

  • Have a cup of hot chocolate.  And if you’re stuck in the house with your family, make it hot chocolate and Rumplemintz!