Top Tips for Getting in Shape

If your New Year’s resolution was to finally get into shape, we are here to help.  Check out this list of The Top Tips for Getting in Shape.



  • Buy a FitBit . . . and eat it.  Because it probably has more nutritional value than what you’re eating now.

  • You know that thing that all your unfolded clean clothes are on?  That’s a treadmill.

  • Skip the elevator and take the stairs.  Which actually might be your only option since the elevator cable snapped the last time you got in.

  • Accept that you already ARE a shape, and leave it at that.

  • Avoid foods that are high in fat, have added sugar . . . or that taste good.

  • Ask Russell Crowe for advice.  Then do the opposite.

  • Cut down on the number of beers you drink . . . at the gym.

  • Think of all the things you’ll do once you’re thin.  Like, eat.  And get fat again. 

  • Accept the fact that you’re an adult, and maybe Fruity Pebbles are NOT actually part of a balanced breakfast.

  • Join a gym.  Or tell your wife you joined a gym, then hide in an alley to smoke meth.  Either way, you’ll get skinny!

  • To ensure you’re getting plenty of sleep, head directly to the nearest theater showing “Holmes & Watson”.

  • Maybe just punt this one to 2020.