Top Reasons You Don’t Go to the Movies

Movie attendance was up in 2018 . . . no thanks to you.  Here are The Top Reasons You Don’t Go to the Movies.

  • They serve popcorn in a bucket.  You prefer it in a TUB.

  • You don’t feel like taking out a second mortgage so your kids can watch Ralph break the Internet.

  • You’re scared of the dark.  And also public places.  And also stadium seating.  And Meryl Streep.

  • You’re Tyra Banks and IMAX screens feel like they’re mocking your forehead.

  • Watching Netflix doesn’t require pants.

  • Those images of dancing sodas and talking M&M’s trigger acid flashbacks.

  • Every time you sit inside a theater, at the very last minute, the Pope and Don King enter and sit directly in front of you.

  • You’ve boycotted Hollywood since you sat through that terrible movie with Johnny Depp.  So, every movie with Johnny Depp.

  • You love “Fast and Furious” movies but you need closed captions on at home to understand what Vin Diesel is saying.

  • You don’t care about Ninja Turtles, wise-cracking robot cars, or grown men in capes.

  • You know the thing on your ankle that beeps when you leave the house?  That.

  • You haven’t figured out how to tell the Hemsworths apart.

  • As crazy as it sounds, you prefer eating popcorn that DOESN’T cost $39.99.