Things that Stress Out Santa

Sure, Santa got thru his most stressful night of the year OK, but that doesn’t me he won’t be feeling any pressure until next December. Here are The Top Things that Stress Out Santa the rest of the year.

  • Being harassed by his doctor over his body mass index.

  • Figuring out how to make the elves union rep casually disappear.

  • People that see that giant beard and say, “Loved you in ZZ Top!”

  • Mrs. Claus finding out that he left $130,000 in an envelope in Stormy Daniels’ stocking.

  • Starbucks’ baristas always writing “SATAN” on his drink cup.

  • Hipsters stealing his facial hair game.

  • Global warming turning his pad into a lake house.

  • Having people confuse him with that JERK Santa from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.

  • Apple stealing his business model of making small people build things for very little pay.

  • Oh just the fact that a VR headset is SLIGHTLY more complicated to build than a wooden rocking horse.

  • Realizing that he has bigger boobs than Mrs. Claus.

  • That whole delivering-presents-to-a-billion-houses-within-24-hours thing.

  • His bedroom supplanting the North Pole as the coldest place on earth, after Mrs. Claus discovers his PornHub account.

  • Jeff Sessions constantly calling to see if there are any openings in his workshop.

  • Blitzen and his gastrointestinal issues.