The Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear From a Marriage Counselor

  • Honestly, I think your intimacy issues would be greatly helped if your wife got breast implants.
  • I’d hate to call you guys “cured” while there’s still coverage left on your insurance.
  • You guys will work this out.  I’d stake my online degree on it.
  • I could sit here babbling for an hour, or you could just read all about it in my new, self-published book.  It’s only $39.95.
  • You know, I think I can fix this whole thing with essential oils.
  • This is just my side hustle . . . my fulltime gig is driving Uber.
  • So which one of you thought it was a good idea to get married in the first place?
  • When you role-play, which Golden Girl do you choose to be?
  • I don’t want to brag, but I’m the reason Donald and Melania Trump’s marriage is so happy and stable.
  • Instead of using your names, I’ll just call you “Mr. and Mrs. Failure.”
  • You’re right, his voice makes me want to shoot myself, too.
  • Let’s discuss your sex life.  Slowly.  In a sultry whisper.
  • Didn’t we hook up on Tinder last week?
  • I don’t know why you guys are complaining.  You should see MY wife.