Totally Real and Helpful Tips for Avoiding the Flu

It’s cold and flu season, so we want to try to help keep you healthy with this list of The Top Tips for Avoiding the Flu.

  • Run straight through Jenny McCarthy and get that damn shot.

  • Avoid crowds.  So go see “First Man”.

  • Wash your hands thoroughly after touching anything gross.  Like, yourself.

  • Stay home and spend all day in bed watching TV.  Just like the president!

  • Exercise regularly and be sure to let everyone know how great you feel with a hundred different hashtags.

  • Avoid anyone who looks even half as sickly as Johnny Depp.

  • If you come in contact with anyone sick, use a pocketknife to scrape off your finger skin.  Hey, it’s either that, or get the sniffles.

  • Don’t share utensils.  Your crack spoon is YOUR crack spoon.

  • Alcohol-based sanitizer is a great way to kill germs.  And as a bonus, it’s delicious!

  • Increase your consumption of fruits and vegetables from “never.”

  • Stop returning the flu’s texts.

  • As hard as it may be, try not to kiss any birds or swine.

  • Avoid drafts by claiming you have bone spurs in your feet.  Oh, sorry, wrong kind of “draft.”