Things You Should Never Do at a Party

 

  • Offer to “quicken things up” with the piñata by using your AR-15.

  • Approach women and ask, “Does this look like mouth herpes to you?”

  • Turn the lights on and off really fast to simulate disco strobes.

  • Say it’s a nice change to get out and spend an evening talking to people instead of cats.

  • Tell a random woman about how much you enjoy her work on PornHub.

  • Write down in your calendar what you did at a party, in case you’re nominated for the Supreme Court 35 years later.

  • Bring an acoustic guitar for any purpose besides wood for the bonfire.

  • Wear the same outfit as the host . . . and then throw up on the same outfit as the host.

  • Announce to everyone possible that you are gluten-free.

  • Eat the pepper jack cheese.  Nobody eats the pepper jack cheese.

  •  Try to impress people by bragging about working in radio.