Reasons You Won’t Get the New Apple Watch

  • Your 1986 Casio still works just fine, thank you very much.

  • You don’t need a watch to keep you healthy, you need pizza to stop being so damn delicious.

  • You’re Serena Williams and you’ll just smash it during your next meltdown.

  • If you want to be reminded how bad your health is, you’ll try to walk up a flight of stairs.

  • You’re a little late to the game when it comes to technology.  You just got a beeper this week.

  • It’s sparks conversation with millennials.  And you hate millennials.

  • The screen’s too small to watch porn on.

  • You’re Alex Jones, and you’re worried the aliens are going to do the same thing they did with the iPad, and use it to read your thoughts.

  • It doesn’t have a pop-up fidget spinner.

  • When it comes to telling time, you’re old school.  Literally.  You use a sundial.

  • It’s not covered in caramel.  And that’s the only kind of apple you’ll buy.

  • You’re just gonna wait until Apple puts a chip in your head.