Other Changes Coming to the Oscars

 

  • If you thank someone you also have to buy them a cake

  • When winners return to their seats, they have to fight the seat-filler for it

  • Losers in each category will be immediately escorted out of the building

  • Oscar host to be replaced by low-cost Billy Crystal hologram

  • Instead of being “played off” by the orchestra, winners who run long will be thrown down a flight of stairs

  • In the spirit of fairness, everybody gets a statue!

  • New category: Best Movie Your Girlfriend Dragged You To

  • Undeserving awards from years past will now be rescinded

  • Winners will be asked to defend their Oscar in a steel cage death match

  • Presenters have to repeat that La La Land/Moonlight screw-up every year!