Steven Seagal’s Duties as Russian Cultural Ambassador

Steven Segal has been named a “special representative” on U.S. / Russian humanitarian issues. Seagal’s been tight with Putin for years, and even became a Russian citizen in 2016.


  • No collusion!

  • Bring people closer together, then knock them unconscious

  • Try to break out of that straight-to-video rut

  • Remind people who he was

  • Deliver taglines forcefully

  • Just do what he did in Hard Target… wait, that was Jean-Claude Van Damme

  • Deny that his hair is colored with roofing tar

  • Again, just to be clear-no collusion

  • Continue being a fourth-rate Schwarzenegger wannabe

  • Be ready to step in if Putin needs to replace Trump

  • Taunt Chuck Norris with new title

  • We can’t stress this enough-No collusion!