Reasons You Have No Friends

International Day of Friendship was this week. And if that was just another day to you . . . you can probably relate to this list of The Top Reasons You Have No Friends.

  • All the available seating in your house is already claimed by your cats.
  • No one understands that you’re only preaching veganism to them for their own good.
  • Your philosophy at parties is, “What Would Ted Nugent Say?”
  • People just get super-judgy about little things like swastika face tattoos.
  • You’re the do-gooder at the dinner date who won’t let anyone at the table have plastic straws.
  • You DO have friends. It’s just that nobody knows it because they’re invisible.
  • You don’t get why bellowing your favorite ’80s love ballads should be reserved only for karaoke.
  • You don’t have time to meet anyone, because you spend all your free time fighting off advances from Les Moonves.
  • Your dancing style can best be described as, “dad.”
  • You rarely leave your home because you’re shy. And also the ankle monitor.
  • It’s so hard to meet new people on MySpace these days.
  • Someone just reposted all the racist tweets you made nine years ago.
  • On social media you use the hashtag #SquadGoals
  • You’re icebreaker with people is, “Do you prefer Marvel or DC?”
  • You make Sean Hannity seem likable.
  • You greet most people with, “So, you working hard, or hardly working?”
  • Your best conversation starter is, “Get in the trunk!”