Signs We’re in the Middle of a Heat Wave

  • You see mirages of a desert oasis, and you’re in your living room

  • A meat thermometer indicates that you’re done

  • Two words: Spontaneous combustion

  • You find yourself Googling the melting points of all the materials in your home, just in case

  • Your dog is scratching to be let into the fridge

  • Someone asks “Hot enough for you?” and you try to stab them with a fork.

  • You binge watch March of the Penguins over and over

  • You’re thinking about setting yourself on fire to cool down

  • You just grilled pancakes on your chest

  • You’re having sexual fantasies that involve snowmen

  • You went to see the “Gotti” movie just for the air conditioning

  • You’re doing shots of liquid nitrogen