Signs You’re At A Bad Graduation Ceremony

Since it’s graduation season, it’s a good time to check out this list of The Top Signs You’re at a Bad Graduation.

  • Instead of a valedictorian, they honor the kid who slept with the most teachers.
  • The dean isn’t above sticking his foot out and tripping the kids he doesn’t like.
  • Female graduates get a congratulatory butt-pinch from Morgan Freeman.
  • The programs have “Commencement” spelled with a “K.”
  • The speaker begins his speech with, “I want to talk about the day I was anally-probed by extraterrestrials . . .”
  • The speaker is a prominent member of the film community. The ADULT film community.
  • They keep having to nudge the lady who’s handing out the diplomas because she’s busy checking Facebook.
  • The speaker gives students the false impression that they WON’T spend the rest of their lives in their parents’ basement crippled with student loan debt.
  • The speaker is Melania Trump, saying stuff Michelle Obama said at an earlier graduation ceremony.
  • Instead of a tassel on top of it, every graduate’s cap has a fidget spinner.
  • The guest speaker keeps trying to bring back, “Wazzzzup!”
  • The female speaker is interrupted several times by chants from the audience of “lock her up!”
  • The speaker tells the graduates that with hard work, they will go on to prosperous careers . . . but that the women shouldn’t get too excited because they’ll still be making 30% less than the men.
  • Nobody else in the crowd responds to your drunken attempts to start The Wave.
  • Nobody graduates.