Things You Shouldn’t Do At A Starbucks

You can now go into a Starbucks without having to buy anything. But once you’re there, you should avoid doing anything like you’ll hear on this list of The Top Things You Shouldn’t do at a Starbucks.

  • Let any customers staring at laptops overhear you exclaim, “I’d LOVE to read an unsold screenplay right now!”
  • Sit down and say you don’t want to order yet, because you’re awaiting the arrival of the rest of your well-armed militia.
  • Eat your oatmeal with the ladle attached to the bathroom key.
  • Sneak into the back and replace the CD that’s playing with something that contains no pan flute whatsoever.
  • Calmly devour a dozen stirrers, then look at everyone else like THEY’RE the crazy ones.
  • Come out of the bathroom and say, “I know it’s not your policy anymore, but after what I just did in there, I feel like I really should buy something.”
  • Every 90 seconds, randomly blurt out a “Game of Thrones” spoiler.
  • Wonder aloud whether it may be possible to get something better to eat for 12 bucks than a lukewarm egg sandwich on soggy bread.
  • Expect a white woman in Lululemon pants cradling tiny dog named “Biscuit” to take less than a half hour to give her order.
  • Ask them to crank up the volume when Michael Buble comes on.
  • Buy all the cake pops, then invite all the homeless people outside to come in and help you finish them.
  • Bring a flask of bourbon and pour all of it into their containers of half and half.
  • Sigh like your world is crumbling when the barista says they’re out of blueberry scones.
  • Order a latte without using 12 adjectives to describe exactly how you want it.
  • Sit all day at a table with your own tip jar on it.
  • Ask the barista if they have any secret nude pics of the Starbucks mermaid.