The Top Reasons You’re Still Unemployed

The national unemployment rate just reached an all-time low, and yet, you can’t find work. Here are The Top Reasons You’re Still Unemployed.

  • In real life, nobody wants to hire an “Avenger.”
  • You mixed up your LinkedIn profile with your one for Grindr.
  • The unemployment line has the best weed dealers.
  • Your best quality is that you sometimes don’t smell like tuna.
  • You’re pretty honest about the fact that you only want a job so you can save up for one of those fancy Japanese sex robots.
  • Former coworkers describe you as a slightly more “grabby” Matt Lauer.
  • You’re the movie executive who thought the world needed an “Overboard” remake.
  • Your resume has blood stain splatters on it.
  • For some reason, companies have a hard time envisioning you as their CEO, when you show up to the interview in a shockingly authentic Gandalf costume.
  • You have an extremely niche skill set of stacking Skittles on your nose.
  • You were fired from your last three jobs for “excessive flatulence.”
  • Jobs require work. And you’re you.
  • You have ethics. And you want to work in government.