Reasons You Haven’t Finished Your Taxes

Today is Tax Day and some of you are in danger of not making the deadline. Find your excuse here with The Top Reasons You Haven’t Finished Your Taxes.

  • Your taxes fund drug enforcement. And you love drugs.
  • It’s not even clear if we have a GOVERNMENT anymore.
  • Duh. You prefer prison to living with your family.
  • You’re protesting gun violence . . . or women’s issues . . . or Laura Ingraham . . . or gluten. You’re not really sure, but the point is, you’re pissed.
  • Your usual tax guy got deported.
  • You’re banking on Donald Trump destroying the world by tomorrow.
  • You don’t want to be kicked out of your antigovernment militia.
  • Taxes require an income. An income requires a job. A job requires getting out of bed. Getting out of bed requires putting on pants.
  • You’re not so good with deadlines, or numbers, or laws, really.
  • You were doing your taxes in Starbucks . . . but then that hit a snag after the police hauled you away to jail for loitering.
  • You’re still trying to figure out if the hush money Michael Cohen paid you counts as a gift, or as personal income.
  • You’re a millennial, so you’re trying to figure out a way to deduct your 300 fidget spinners.