Reasons You Need a Stiff Drink Right Now

  • Duh.  You can’t save Earth by recycling when the Stoli bottle is full!

  • You want your liver to join the rest of your body in looking unhealthy.

  • You’ve got the day off.  So do your wife and kids.

  • Because you’ve already had five and you like even numbers.

  • You just looked up your ex on Facebook and not only is she tan and fit but she’s on a yacht with that guy from high school who used to shove your head in the toilet.

  • You found a copy of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” on your teenage daughter’s nightstand.

  • Take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror.  There ya go, pal.

  • Your wife just called the adoption agency after discovering you’ve been Googling “Asian twins.”

  • Your mother-in-law is preparing to “enlighten” you on exactly why Trump needs to build his wall.

  • You went to Mexico for spring break, and your head is currently in a dumpster outside a Tijuana brothel.

  • You accidentally stumbled across bikini pics of Kris Jenner.

  • You had Virginia winning it all in your NCAA bracket.

  • You’re waiting for spring.

  • All your money is tied up in Amazon stock.

  • You’re a member of the Trump administration . . . for now.

  • You finally got to the Crock Pot episode of “This Is Us”.

  • Your accountant just told you secret payments to your mistress aren’t tax deductible.

  • If Channing Tatum isn’t good enough for a woman, what man is?

  • You’ve got to host another hour of the “Today” show with Kathie Lee.

  • You just spent five minutes on your teenager’s Instagram feed.

  • You figure you should have a drink now, because Bill Cosby is nowhere in sight.

  • You’re Gary Busey.